Live Wholeheartedly

Well, well. Here I am, again. Once again feeling like I owe someone an apology for being so neglectful of this space. Myself, more than anything. Because this is my space, a space I carved out for me, to come and unload whatever is on my mind - and there has been A LOT on my mind. It would help for me to come here, purge my thoughts...but I just don't make the time for myself to do it. That is a shame, and something I deeply need to rectify. I tend to internalize my feelings way too much...which would come as a surprise to some, since I talk so much. I just tend to not let people peek into the dark and twisty of it all, most of the time. Not that I want to only be dark and twisty here (can you tell I love Grey's Anatomy? I'm so unoriginal!), and not that all my hidden feelings ARE that way. I just have a lot to say, and usually I have deep ongoing conversations with myself in my head...I just wish I could motivate myself to log in and type those thoughts out here. It might be mostly boring, but sometimes it can get pretty interesting in there.

So, at least I can console myself that this time it has not been over a year since my last post. Is that sad or what, to congratulate myself on it only being 8 months?? Or, closer to 9 really but who's counting? But again, as last time, many things have happened over the last year.

First and foremost, our adoption is STILL not yet final. More snags, this time all to do with the state not having filed for my son's SSI back years ago when they should have. He is autistic, and was supposed to already have been approved for SSI, which automatically qualifies him for federal adoption assistance. Unfortunately, that never happened even though it was marked in his file that it did - and if you know anything about the government and disability, you know it takes forever (plus one day for good measure) to get anything approved as far as that is concerned. So we waited...and waited. Fortunately or unfortunately (you can look at it both ways), our 3 youngest have been in the foster system for 5 years as of November 9th, and once kids are in the system for a consecutive 5 year period, they automatically qualify for federal assistance. So on November 9th, we went ahead with the adoption without waiting for the SSI approval. We were worried that our promise of adoption in 2011 would once again prove to be untrue...but alas...with a wonderful caseworker and adoption attorney on our side - everything was pushed through VERY quickly, and we have our adoption hearing on December 9th!! It will be a VERY Merry Christmas this year! FINALLY! Our kids will legally be ours. No more monthly visits, no more different last names causing odd looks...FINALLY! My Facebook friends better watch out on December 9th, because that afternoon 2 years of memories I haven't been able to share with them, oh how they will be shared now (insert scary laugh here)!

Another thing I want to talk about is my dad's cancer. It's been a long road this year for my dad, but finally he is feeling better. Thank God above, he can enjoy -truly enjoy - the holidays this year. He is not feeling sick, in fact is feeling better than he has in a long time. This isn't due to some miracle cure, sadly, but at least a temporary miracle nonetheless. You see, he had a bone marrow transplant this summer. It was a hard process for him - I can't go into details because for one, it was so much a blur of scary but also...it's still hard to think about all he went through. But at any rate, it was done, weeks in the hospital and months afterward of feeling bad...but I am glad to say he is now in remission. We don't know how long, and quite frankly, I don't want to know. I just want to enjoy it. I won't forget about the cancer or the prognosis, it will still be there lurking in the back of my mind...but I think seeing my dad looking healthy and feeling good again - and happy because he's feeling good - will help me to not thing predominantly about the "C" word, and just be able to enjoy the time we spend with him.

Amidst all that was going on with my dad this summer, and actually WHILE he was in the hospital recovering from the bone marrow transplant, we lost a very special part of our family. My husband's grandmother, or Nonnie, as we called her. Words can't express what she meant to me and she deserves more than just a paragraph in this update, so I will save that conversation for later...but losing her has left a strikingly large hole in our lives.

Obviously there has been a lot more go on in the last year than those few things, but those are the "big" things that have weighed on my mind over the last year.

On a happier note, although I don't want to rush what is left of this year since we are now in the midst of my very favorite time of the year, I am looking forward to what I just know will be a FABULOUS year for my family. We already have many things in motion that will happen in 2012, and being that it is the first year we will start out as a full, complete family (legally anyway), I think that sets the tone for a year with good things on the horizon. I don't want to jinx myself, but it does look like (praise God!) financially things are going to be looking way, way up for us next year. There is also a vacation to Hawaii in the works...and I am hoping to be able to get back to discuss that more in depth later. It's something we're so excited about...the trip of a lifetime for us that has been a 'dream in the works' for over 14 years now.

So at that, I would love to say "stay tuned"...but I don't want to leave you hanging on promises that may not come to be. But hopefully, you will see a lot more from me in the coming year.

Love and peace,
Mariah

Posted in: Adoption, blogging, cancer, Death, Faith, Family, finances, Foster Care, Prayer, vacation on Tuesday, November 29, 2011 at at 7:51 AM 1 comments    

I sit here at my computer, thinking about my blog and realizing it was almost this exact same time last year that I thought starting a blog back up was a great idea. Now here it is...a year later...and I've made a seriously pathetic number of posts so far. I started this blog as a way to remind myself to be motivated, be creative, be inspired...maybe even to help keep my goals. I still want this blog to represent that...and everything about life that I love so much - God, family, home, writing, crafting - living my life to the fullest. Enjoying every moment and hoping that I make the people in my circle feel as blessed as they make me feel.

There are reasons...or excuses...as to why I have neglected to post - we really have had a very busy and very productive (!) year. We went from a family of 3 to a family of 6 almost overnight. That all started about mid-year...right after we were licensed to be foster parents. We started on the fostering journey thinking eventually we might adopt a child, maybe even two that came into our care along the way. That all changed pretty suddenly when 3 little blessings came our way, and the only way I can describe how it all happened is that it was meant to be...pre-destined, pre-determined...God's plan for our life. Everything that happend was simply too unbelievable, too coincidental to have happened by some happy accident. These 3 kids were meant to become a part of our family, from the very beginning...all roads have led us here. I know this. So...now our happy little family of 3 is a happier, larger (and of course, busier) family of 6. The 4 kids we always dreamed of but knew we could never have...well now we have them. Life is good, God is amazing.

So now, here I am...seemingly back to where I started. Right after Christmas, vowing next Christmas I will be more prepared, ready ahead of time and have made most of our family gifts. That didn't happen for this Christmas - but I am even more determined than ever to make that happen next Christmas. I realized this Christmas just how hectic it is and how fast it goes with 4 kids...so much faster than it went with just our daughter. I think I took for granted her first 11 Christmases, the calm, the time we were able to spend together just enjoying the season. Things sure went differently between work, therapy appointments, doctor appointments, shopping for more gifts than I've ever imagined buying for one occassion. And although next year we will also be busy, decidedly so, at Christmas...that is pushing me even more to vow that I will be 95% ready for Christmas by December 1st (5% reserved for baking which can't really be done that far in advance, haha). The reason we need to be ready so early? Because over the week of Christmas, to celebrate the first Christmas after finalizing the adoptions, we will be on a family vacation to Disney World! I am so excited about that...and want everything to go smoothly. The first 5 days of vacation will be spent at the parks, and the last 2 relaxing and enjoying each other. We plan to drive to the coast and spend Christmas Eve watching the sun set over the Gulf. So you see...I really do need to be more organized, more productive and more prepared for 2010. I have set several goals and I am hoping that I can see most of them to fruition.

Goals for 2010
Lose 5lbs (or more) per month
Continue to pay down debt
Save for and plan Disney Christmas Vacation
Work on Christmas gifts for 1 'family' ('family' here means any set group of people, ie teachers) on our list each month
Have all Christmas gifts made or bought by December 1, 2010

I will have to get creative and really push myself to make sure I meet these goals...usually I rely heavily on home-made goodies (candies, cookies, etc) as gifts for friends, family and teachers - however having to have all things made by December 1st that really will limit food gifts this year. I will still probably do a few things but I want December to mainly be un-scheduled and un-stressful, so I won't be doing very many food-gifts at all. I have come up with a few ideas though - I have a really neat idea for my Sister in Law and her husband...a "Family Scrabble Board" where you take and alter a scrabble board with scrapbooking supplies and use the tiles to spell out their names, and words that symbolize 'family'. I think it will be really neat. I also found an idea for altering Starbucks 4-pack Frap bottles...you can do so many things using scrapbooking supplies and a little paint and ribbon, they turn out so cute. I have seen ideas for hot cocoa gift sets using those (two bottles filled with hot cocoa mix, one with marshmallows, and one with peppermints) which is something I'm definitely planning on doing...the only thing I would have to do *after* December 1st on those would be add the marshmallows (wouldn't want to add them too early and have them get stale or clumpy...eww). I also make a killer chai tea mix so I am thinking I could come up with some ideas along those lines also, just have to figure out what to package with it. Maybe just some festive store-bought christmas candies? The one other idea I am excited about is making fleece pajama pants. I am definitely making them for my 4 kids, my SIL's 4 kids and also my cousins 3 kids. I might even think about making them for some adults on our list. I have tons of ideas saved in a folder in my e-mail, so I will be going through those over the next month or so to see if there are any good things to add to my list also. I'm pretty excited about this right now...I just hope that I can stay this excited/motivated about it! If I can, then I'm sure I will be more than ready for Christmas 2010 and our Disney Vacation well ahead of my December 1st goal :)

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. For me, although hectic and crazy, and except for a few not-so-great moments, it was one of the most wonderful Christmases yet.

God Bless and have a happy and SAFE New Year!
Mariah

Posted in: Adoption, Being Frugal, blogging, Budgeting, christmas, Faith, Family, Foster Care, friends, holidays, Prayer, Shopping, vacation on Monday, December 28, 2009 at at 8:47 AM 0 comments    

Big things are happening right now, but I don't want to jinx myself by saying too much. Let's just say that perhaps some day soon our house might be getting a whole lot noisier...

Stay Tuned!

Love,
Mariah

Posted in: Adoption, Faith, Family, Foster Care, Prayer on Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at at 1:02 PM 0 comments    

A few days ago, a friend of mine lent me a book titled "Have a New Kid by Friday", by Dr. Kevin Leman. She had been having some issues with her son, and her mother-in-law bought her the book. She read through it and although she wasn't so keen on the idea of her mother-in-law buying her a parenting book she thought it made sense and said she immediately started seeing a difference in her son's behavior when she started implementing the tools learned with the book. I asked her if I could borrow it, not because we'd been having any major issues with our daughter like she'd been having with her son - but more because we'd been having some small issues (lying, mouthiness, vanity issues, etc) that I am afraid could turn into big issues if we don't handle them now…and the methods we have been using thus far have not been working (grounding, lecturing, etc.). She has always been an extremely good kid, and that I’m thankful for - so I really truly don’t want a “new kid” - but a little help in how to deal with the changes she’s going through would be good.

If it works like it says it will, I would also like to start implementing it now so that when we do have foster children come into our home we already have methods we are comfortable with, and in agreement on, in place to deal with anything that might come up. It might help some of the transitional issues that come along with fostering if this book is as good as all the reviews I’ve read say it is.

So I already read the book once through, quickly the first time - it was easy to read and actually was very interesting and hard to put down. Maybe I can learn a few skills to make me a better parent…not that I am a bad one by any means - but I do wish I would be able to handle some situations better than I currently do. And the book explains, and I agree, that a child’s behavioral “issues” are more a parents issues in not knowing how to deal with misbehavior. Children learn what they live, right? I have always believed that…yet I find myself so upset with my daughter when she is stubborn or when she thinks she’s ‘always right’. However, thought it might have been a fleeting thought before - this book has made it abundantly clear that she gets some of those things from me. She gets a few things from her father, too. We both have realized after talking about the book - even before implementing any changes - that we need to change our OWN attitudes, behaviors and responses so that she can learn new attitudes, behaviors and responses. Hopefully this book has given us the tools to do that.

Anyway…it’s Monday…a new week, and since the book doles out its chapters by days of the week - I am going to start re-reading it, along with my husband, on the car ride home from work - one chapter per day of the week. That way we can start using each step and each tool on a daily basis as we learn them. I don’t know if it will create a new kid - or new parents - by Friday…but I do have faith that it can work if we are consistent and follow the steps, because they do make sense. I have read about so many people who have had an incredible turn-around in their families by following the steps in this book. So we are starting today. I am writing about it because I consider our family a ‘typical’ every-day family - and if we can do this, if it works for us, than I am convinced it can work for anyone who sets their mind to it. If it doesn’t, well I want to share that too, so that if it happens to not work for someone else maybe they’ll know they’re not the only dark spot among the multitude of glowing reviews.

I am hoping to post daily with an update as to how the previous day went…what went wrong, what went right, etc. By the end of the week…I will blog about how I feel about the book after trying it out for a week…hopefully my review and results will be as astounding as the others I have read! So here we go…our little parenting experiment. It seems funny to be trying to change my parenting style when my child is almost 12, but it’s never too late right?

God Bless,
Mariah

Posted in: Adoption, Faith, Family, Foster Care on Monday, June 15, 2009 at at 12:10 PM 0 comments    

We finally, after weeks of waiting, got the results from my dad's biopsy. The tumor was graded a 2, low-grade, benign tumor. While that is wonderful, WONDERFUL news - it doesn't erase the fact that there is a tumor the size of a golf ball in his brain...which will have to be dealt with. It's also a recurring type of tumor, so that will mean life-long monitoring to make sure they catch any new ones. But, it is NOT cancer. So...we're mostly back to normal. It's just a new kind of normal, where my dad has a recurring type of brain tumor. It's still weird to say, hard to imagine, and makes me sad to think of. But, it is NOT cancer.

On the foster care front, things are going. Not smoothly, mind you, but they are going nonetheless. We had our first training class on Saturday. We can only do the 3-in-a-row Saturday classes which are 7 1/2 hours long...so it's tiring and makes the weekend go really fast - but it is interesting and informative and so far we've met some great people.

On the way home from our first class, however, our van decided to suddenly stop shifting. It still drives, but only in one gear...so we were able to get it home and tonight will be able to drive it to the dealership - the manual says that this is a safety feature which automatically kicks in when something is wrong with the tranny so that it will still be drivable to get it to a service station. So, that's good I guess...maybe that little safety feature will help us not have to buy a totally new transmission. But, on the downside, no matter how much it costs to fix it has to come out of the money we were going to be putting in our foster fund...$200 that my mom and dad just gave us for our foster fund for an anniversary/birthday present, and another couple hundred from the extra paychecks at the end of May. I have a feeling most of that money is now going to have to pay for the van to be fixed. But, we have to have a vehicle - it's a non-decision. We will just have to really get with it and start listing on eBay (so far I haven't listed much of what I have), and hope that some of that stuff sells. We also have a yard sale coming up in June, which is town-wide, so that should boost the foster fund at least a little. If we could just sell those darned concert tickets, we would be able to build the bedroom...which is the biggest hurdle right now. That part we need to be done to be licensed. After that it is just finding beds & bedding, etc, which we can do with our extra paychecks in July (thank goodness for 5-pay months!).

Oh, and if anyone wants to check out my eBay auctions (they will be there soon, I promise!!), which will include girl clothing, plus-size women's clothing, and some miscellaneous items - my eBay user id is mom-n-michaela.

Thanks for stopping by - and thank you for the prayers for my dad - they definitely worked!

Mariah

Posted in: Budgeting, Faith, Family, Foster Care, Prayer on Tuesday, May 5, 2009 at at 12:24 PM 0 comments    

For the last year, my dad has been having recurring headaches. They come on fast, are super painful, and then go away just as fast as they came. My mom had done some research and she decided she thought they were cluster headaches - they fit the description pretty well. So my dad went to the doctor, who did some routine testing and put him on some medication that was helping with the pain of the pain of the headaches, but not lessening them at all.

He kept going back to the doctor, who kept running tests...in the meantime he was also applying with the VA, as he's been laid off from his job, and in checking into insurance possibilities was told he should be going through the VA for any health issues.He had always thought the VA was only for "retired" veterans, and because he was drafted into service during Vietnam and honorably discharged after his service he isn't considered a"retired" veteran. Come to find out, he qualifies - he started the application process.

Meanwhile the doctor he was seeing sent him for an MRI. The MRI showed a small(ish) spot on his brain, which the doctor wasn't all that concerned about. He said it could be from a recent fall, or even something that had been there since he was a child. Of course, my dad having been in Vietnam and all of the physical "altercations" he had been in throughout his teenage years (it was the 60's...what else did you do for fun, right?), it was basically just a mild concern. The doctor scheduled him for another MRI in 6 months, just "to be sure"it wasn't growing.

Skip to this year...and he was just recently approved for the VA benefits. He'd had a couple appointments with the local VA hospital, and they decided that although it hasn't been a full 6 months - since he was still having the headaches - to go ahead and do the follow-up MRI.

It grew. My dad has a brain tumor. The doctor at this point thought low-grade astrocytoma...which was on the 'not so bad' side of things.

The past week has been spent (for me) realizing that my tough, military, non-emotional dad really isn't invincible. It was so heart wrenching for me to see my dad cry. I have seen him choked up while visiting the moving Vietnam Wall, or watching a particularly "real" movie about the aftermath of Vietnam on a soldier. But never, never have I seen a tear. There was a roller coaster of emotions for him, and we were afraid the anti-seizure medication they put him on was causing him serious depression, so much so that the doctor prescribed an anti-depressant, and all firearms were removed from the house temporarily. The whole thing has been entirely too ridiculous for me to wrap my head around, although I know people go through this every day. I just don't know how they come to terms with it.

Yesterday, the entire day was spent at the hospital with my mother, my husband, my brother and my sister-in-law. Waiting on my dad to get out of surgery. SURGERY. That is what they consider a biopsy of the brain. Because, well, it's a brain.

He came out well, in fact in pretty good spirits (I think he was very worried about them drilling into his brain, which, who wouldn't be?). The tumor however? Not so well. The doctor now believes he was correct that it was an astorcytoma but thinks that it is more of a mid-grade instead of low-grade. They grade on a 1-4 scale...originally it was guessed that the tumor was a 1-2...now it is estimated at a possibly 2, likely 3. 4 is the worst, so you can imagine how I feel about a 3. Words like radiation and oncologist were being thrown around, although to me it just sounded like "cancer! cancer! cancer!". I don't even know how to cope with this, I hope learning more about it will help with that part. We won't know for sure the grading for a couple of days while they examine the tissue.

We are praying it's a 2. If you happen by this blog in the next week...I'd really love it if you would pray for a 2 as well.

God Bless,
Mariah

Posted in: Faith, Family, Prayer on Thursday, April 16, 2009 at at 4:14 PM 2 comments    

I should have known, before I hit "post" yesterday. I was having a down day, I really was. My faith was being overshadowed by doubt. I should have known better. I am still learning.

Today we called the Vet to see how much it would be to get the cats shots up-to-date. While my husband called, he also asked (for future information) how much getting them fixed would be. They gave him a quote, plus the quote to get their shots up-to-date. It really wasn't that much more (when you figure in separate office visits, etc.) to have it all done at once...but when my husband explained that we really could only afford to do the shots right now, what was *truly* necessary, the lady told him she could try to approve us for a Care Credit account. Now, I realize, putting vet/medical bills on a credit account is probably not the best idea - BUT, we were approved, and were approved for 0% interest as long as it's paid off within a certain number of months (which it would be). So, the cats are taken care of - one thing checked off the to-do list before turning in our application. The only other real obstacle in getting the paperwork turned in of course would be our physicals...which is now not an obstacle either because while perusing Care Credit's homepage - I see that there are doctors in our area that take it also.

So- although it isn't normally something I would do - putting medical bills onto a credit account, the 0% interest really makes all the difference. This way instead of putting our application on hold until we build up the money in our savings (we just started having $100/month direct deposited into our savings account), we can get it taken care of now and still pay it off with the money in the savings account...so I'm looking at it as essentially the same thing, however with a big bonus in that it won't delay our application process.

Now all we have to worry about is getting the Foster Home Fund built up so we can turn our loft area into a bedroom, but at least we have a little more time for that (I was told that it didn't matter in our state if it was officially a bedroom or not - so if that's true, while I still plan on turning it into a "real" bedroom, we can go ahead and get our license and everything before it's officially "completed"). I am still hoping however that we can sell those concert tickets and frame out/drywall the room before the end of May. That would be a big weight off of my mind!

Until next time - God Bless :)
Mariah

Posted in: Adoption, Budgeting, Faith, Family, Foster Care, Prayer on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 at at 12:21 PM 0 comments